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Many people find themselves stuck in unhealthy or emotionally unsafe relationships despite having insight and self-awareness.

That strong pull you feel towards someone you sense deep down, isn’t good for you -  is often not a “bad choice” or a sign of weakness.

It’s usually an old pattern - one that once helped you survive, but no longer helps you feel well.

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Why are relationships so crucial for health and quality of life?

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Research clearly shows that the quality of our close relationships is strongly linked to health and even longevity.
A large meta-analysis found that people with strong, secure relationships had up to a 50% higher survival rate compared to those with weak or conflict-filled relationships.

 

Systematic reviews also show that violence, insecurity and chronic stress in close relationships are associated with increased risk of cardiovascular disease, depression, anxiety, chronic pain and autoimmune conditions.

 

This doesn’t mean “everything is your responsibility”.
It means relationship patterns matter - and wanting to change them is both wise and caring towards yourself.

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How does this attraction actually work?

 

Attraction is not always a conscious choice

 

Many people believe attraction works like this:
I see someone → I assess → I choose.

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But in reality, it often works more like this:
The body recognises something → the nervous system reacts → the brain explains it afterwards.

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It can feel like attraction, passion, magnetism.
Sometimes like “finally!”
Sometimes like “I can’t stop thinking about this person”.

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And this is where it becomes important:

What feels intense isn’t always what’s safe or good for you.

 

Sometimes what feels strong is simply familiar - an old, learned feeling that once helped you survive.

 

When “familiar” becomes the “safe and attractive”

 

As children, we’re biologically wired to seek attachment. We adapt to our environment to gain closeness, belonging and safety.

 

If you grew up with, for example:

• emotionally unavailable adults

• unpredictable reactions

• criticism, shame or high demands

• having to be “the good one”, “the strong one”, “the invisible one”

• ongoing conflict, stress or instability
   

… your system may have learned that love and safety mean:

• waiting

• trying harder

• earning approval

• constantly reading the room

• walking on eggshells

• adapting

• holding things together when they’re about to fall apart
   

The CDC describes Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) as potentially traumatic childhood events linked to increased risk of difficulties in adult relationships.

You might not think of this as “trauma”. Many people don’t.
But your body and survival programming may still have learned: “This is what closeness feels like.”

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Why am I drawn to the wrong people, even though I know better?

 

This is one of the most common things I hear:
“I know this type isn’t good for me… but I still feel so attracted.”

 

There are several very human inner explanations. Here are a few common ones:​

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A. You recognise a feeling, not a person

Your attraction may be triggered by:

• emotional distance → which activates pursuit

• intensity → which creates hope

• uncertainty → which sharpens focus

 

The nervous system responds with:
“This feels important.”

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B. You’re unconsciously trying to change the ending of an old story

If you had to fight to be seen early in life, you may be drawn to relationships where you have to fight again, hoping this time you’ll finally be chosen

Not because you want to suffer, but because a part of you wants resolution. Wants desperately to be seen and wanted.

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C. Safety can initially feel “boring” (very common)

If you’re used to stress in relationships, calm and secure people can feel unfamiliar or flat at first.
That doesn’t mean there’s no chemistry – it means your system isn’t used to safety yet.

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Destructive relationships affect the body - not just the heart

Destructive relationships can create long-term chronic stress.
And stress isn’t just emotional - it’s biological.

 

Research links this to:

• elevated stress hormones → increased cardiovascular risk

• long-term relational stress → poorer immune function, sleep problems, pain and exhaustion

 

I often say this:
When you’re in a relationship that makes you feel small, afraid, confused or constantly tense, your body lives in survival mode.
And the body isn’t designed for prolonged survival mode.

 

Safe relationships aren’t a luxury - they’re a health and future strategy.

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The same patterns often show up at work

 

Relationship patterns don’t only affect romantic relationships. They often appear in:

• taking on too much responsibility in teams

• struggling to say no

• managing other people’s emotions

• ending up with controlling managers or draining collaborations

• losing your voice in meetings or over-adapting

 

It’s the same internal program:
“If I just adapt a little more, everything will calm down.”

 

But real calm rarely comes from more adaptation.
It comes from inner safety - and the ability to set healthy, natural boundaries.

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Why insight alone isn’t enough

 

You can understand everything intellectually and still feel drawn to destructive relationships.

 

That’s because:

• insight lives in the conscious mind

• attraction, attachment and automatic behaviours live in the subconscious

• the body and subconscious hold their own memories

 

That’s why many people say:
“I’ve worked on myself… so why am I still stuck?”

 

What’s often needed isn’t more analysis, but an update to the internal behaviour system - your subconscious mind.

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How hypnotherapy can help relationship patterns - and change at the right (effective) level

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Hypnosis/hypnotherapy is used in research and therapy as an effective, gentle method for working with experiences such as anxiety, stress and pain - things carried by both the brain, subconscious and the body.

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It can also help change behaviours, triggers and emotional responses.

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Important: Hypnosis isn’t magic.
It’s a structured, evidence-based therapeutic approach that works when willpower and insight aren’t enough - by addressing the root of the pattern. Like changing or upgrading a program that is old and stuck!

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Read more about how your subconscious mind works here
Read more about Hypnotherapy here​

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The CE Method - safe change without reliving the past

 

In my work at CE-Hypnosis, I use the CE Method, designed to help change patterns without needing to relive or dwell on painful experiences.
For many people with complex or long-standing trauma, this feels like a relief.

 

We work with:

• how the pattern shows up today (e.g. “I’m drawn to distance”, “I lose my boundaries”)

• how you want to function going forward

• creating new inner connections between safety and attraction

 

The goal isn’t to become “hard” or “cold”.
The goal is freedom - to choose relationships that feel calmer, clearer and more aligned with who you are.

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What does change actually feel like?

 

Change isn’t dramatic - but it’s noticeable.

 

It often feels:

• calmer

• clearer

• more natural

 

Many people notice:

• the same types of people stop feeling attractive

• red flags appear earlier

• boundaries come more easily

• drama loses its pull

• safety starts to feel good

• a great sense of freedom 

 

That’s a clear sign something has shifted:
You begin choosing from inner security, not old wounds.

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Three steps you can start today

 

Step 1: Change the question
Instead of “Why do I want this person?”,

ask:

“How does my body feel when I think about them?” (anxious, worried, stressed etc)

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Step 2: Learn to recognise safety
Safety can feel unfamiliar at first. That doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

 

Step 3: Make attraction a choice, not a command
Attraction is a signal - not an order. 

You can feel it and still choose what’s healthier for you.

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You can re-learn what feels “attractive”

 

If you’ve long been drawn to the wrong relationships, it may feel like:
“This is just who I am.”

 

But more often, it’s:
“This is what I learned.”

 

And what’s learned can be relearned.

Better relationships don’t just mean better love – they mean better life quality and a healthier future.

 

When you start being drawn to people who are good for you, many notice:

• better sleep

• more energy

• clearer thinking

• easier boundaries

• more harmony in the body

• improved mental and physical wellbeing

 

And somewhere along the way, something shifts:
You stop choosing from wounds - and start choosing from inner safety. More healthy choices.

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Want destructive relationship change - for real? 

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If you recognise that attraction often leads you the wrong way, yet you long for safer, healthier relationships, hypnotherapy can be a calm, supportive way to work with this. A way to finally find you, your inner strength to come forward.

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At CE-Hypnosis, each session is individually tailored and paced for you.
You don’t need to know exactly where the pattern began - just that you want something to change.

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You’re welcome to book a session or get in touch to learn more.

 

Find testimon​ials further down the page or gathered here​​​​

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If you are in danger - please call a friend and find help in your country. 

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For more information... read further down