The other side of the story: when the bully grows up carrying wounds of their own (and feels the weight of what they did)

Most conversations about bullying focus on the child who was hurt - the one standing alone in the corridor, the one shrinking under harsh words, the one whose confidence dissolved into fear and silence. That story matters deeply. But there is another story, one rarely told, yet equally important for understanding trauma, healing and change.

This is the story of the bully! The scared child behind the behaviour, and the adult who may still struggle with the same patterns today.

It is about the real child behind the behaviour and the adult they become.

Because the truth is simple and uncomfortable: many adults who once bullied others suffer quietly and deeply, long after childhood ends. And many never receive help because society doesn’t see them as people who deserve healing. And sometimes they still do the bullying at work or at home or abroad.

But they too need help. They desperately do.

This article brings their story into the light, not to excuse harm, but to discuss it, to understand it, heal it, and break generational patterns that keep pain cycling between children and adults.

And yes, hypnotherapy plays a transformative role here, supporting emotional understanding, change, and the restoration of inner safety.

Because sometimes, the adult who once bullied others becomes someone who treats people with deep kindness. But other times, the pattern continues.

Not because they are cruel. Not because they want to harm. But because the emotional wiring inside them never changed. And they feel safe continuing.

When the bully grows up but the pattern stays the same

One of the most important things to understand is this:a childhood pattern doesn’t magically disappear with age.

If the nervous system learned to cope with stress by:

• controlling

• dominating

• shutting down

• exploding

• blaming

• withdrawing

• intimidating

• pushing back

…then that pattern often follows the person into their adult life.

This is why some adults who were bullies as children still exhibit similar behaviours at home, at work or in their relationships - even if they don’t want to and don’t fully understand why.

They may find themselves:

• snapping at a partner

• humiliating a colleague in a meeting

• speaking harshly to their child

• shutting down emotionally

• using tones that make others recoil

• acting defensively instead of vulnerably

• using control when they feel unsafe

• blaming instead of reflecting

• repeating the very behaviours they regret

Not because they are bad. But because the pattern was never resolved.

The bully doesn’t need punishment. They need healing within.

The emotional truth: many adults who bully now feel terrible about it

I’ve worked with adults who broke down in sessions because they recognised themselves in these patterns.

They say things like:

• “I don’t want to be like this.”

• “I feel horrible the moment after I do it.”

• “I sound like my parents and it scares me.”

• “I don’t want my kids to fear me.”

• “I hate that I hurt people I love.”

• “I don’t understand why I react this way.”

What they are describing is not “personality.” It is conditioning. or a copy from a family member.

Fight-response conditioning from childhood stress. Control-response conditioning from instability. Harshness learned from parents. Shame they never processed. Fear they never acknowledged.

A child who learned to push others away to protect themselves becomes an adult who instinctively does the same, until they learn a different way.

The bully’s guilt is its own trauma

Here is some things most people never consider:

The bully carries trauma too, the trauma of what they did or a feeling of something is wrong

They carry:

• guilt

• shame

• hidden fear of their own reactions

• the belief they are unworthy of love deep inside

• dread of becoming their worst self again

• self-hatred hidden behind a calm exterior

• anxiety before conflict

• deep fear of losing control

• fear of people leaving them so they make sure to leave them first

These emotions quietly shape their adult life, even if they look “fine” on the outside.

Some overcompensate by being overly nice. Some avoid leadership roles. Some apologise too much. Some shut down emotionally to avoid hurting anyone. Some isolate themselves because they fear “messing up again.”

It’s a silent suffering and hypnotherapy offers them a way to finally heal.

Why the pattern repeats in adulthood: the nervous system hasn’t updated

Many adult bullies are shocked when they realise their behaviour follows a predictable trauma pattern. When they feel overwhelmed or unsafe, their nervous system returns to early programming:

• fight

• control

• push

• dominate

• shut down

• lash out

It’s not a conscious choice. It’s a survival reflex.

Hypnotherapy works on the subconscious layer where these patterns live, allowing adults to update their emotional responses so they can:

• stay calm when they feel challenged

• communicate instead of exploding

• regulate instead of controlling

• open up instead of shutting down

• choose connection instead of intimidation

This becomes a turning point in their lives.

The bully who heals can become someone extraordinary

It is remarkable what happens when someone who once caused harm heals their internal wounds.

They become:

• deeply empathetic

• emotionally grounded

• kind without performative effort

• accountable and honest

• genuinely safe to be around

• compassionate and understanding

• advocates for fairness and emotional health

• people who ensure no one feels the way they once made others feel

They transform into adults who bring safety, not fear. This transformation is real. It is profound. And it is possible. IF they dare to seek help. IF the dare to resolve the issues...

Hypnotherapy can make a huge difference

Whether you:

• were the child who was bullied

• were the child who bullied

• or still see echoes of it in your adult life

You deserve healing.

Old patterns are not destiny. Your nervous system can change. Your reactions can change. Your relationships can change. Your whole life can change.

Hypnotherapy doesn’t rewrite your past. It rewrites your patterns - so you can live free from old cycles, old guilt, old fear and old pain.

Becoming a parent brought my past to the surface. Healing within with Camilla helped me rewrite the future.

You are not who you were. And you don’t have to repeat what happened then.

You are allowed to grow. You are allowed to feel safe. You are allowed to be different now.

You are allowed to become the person you wish your younger self could see.

And the moment you understand that - your story has the possibiity to change remarkably.

" I was the bully. I didn’t fully realise it back then, but when my kids started school, everything came back. I suddenly saw things from their perspective, and it hit me hard. I’d carried this knot in my stomach for years, feeling regret and not really knowing why I kept falling into the same old patterns. Camilla helped me work through all of that. She helped me heal on the inside and change the reactions and behaviour that were running my life. That’s when everything shifted. For the first time, I feel like someone I can honestly be proud of.

Thank you!" K (prefer to be anonymous)