Why I am attracted to the wrong partner?! How to break unhealthy relationship patterns and create safer relations - for real!
- 4 days ago
- 7 min read
Last updated: Dec 2025
Why do I keep being drawn to the wrong partner, even when I know the relationship isn’t good for me?If you’ve asked yourself this question more than once, you’re not alone - and there is nothing wrong with you.
Being drawn to unhealthy or emotionally unsafe relationships is rarely about weakness, poor judgement or “bad choices”. More often, it’s about old relationship patterns that once helped you cope or survive, but no longer support your wellbeing.
In this article, you’ll learn why attraction isn’t always a conscious decision, how early attachment and the nervous system influence who we’re drawn to, and how real change is possible - without reliving painful experiences.
In this slightly more in-depth article, you will gain:
A clearer understanding of why this attraction happens (so it no longer feels confusing)
Science-based explanations linked to attachment, the nervous system, and how the body and brain respond
Practical steps you can begin using to start breaking the pattern
A gentle path toward change — without needing to relive what has been painful
We will also talk about something that is often overlooked:
How destructive relationships don’t just affect your emotional wellbeing, but also stress levels, sleep, the immune system, energy, work life, and long-term health — and ultimately, even the future, both yours and your children’s.
Why relationships matter so much for health and wellbeing
Research consistently shows that the quality of our close relationships is one of the strongest predictors of long-term health and quality of life.
Large meta-analyses have found that people with secure, supportive relationships have up to 50% higher survival ratescompared to those in conflict-filled or emotionally unsafe relationships.
Other systematic reviews link chronic relational stress, insecurity and emotional neglect to increased risk of cardiovascular disease, depression, anxiety, chronic pain, sleep problems and immune dysfunction.
This doesn’t mean that everything is “your fault”. It means that relationship patterns matter and wanting to change them is an act of self-care, not self-blame. And there is a way.
Attraction is not always a conscious choice
Many people believe attraction works logically:
I meet someone → I evaluate → I choose
In reality, attraction often works like this:
The body recognises something → the nervous system reacts → the mind explains it afterwards (makes up reasons)
This reaction can feel like chemistry, passion or magnetism.
Sometimes it feels exciting. Sometimes intense. Sometimes impossible to ignore.
Here’s the key point:
What feels strong is not always what is safe or healthy.
Sometimes what feels powerful is simply familiar - an old emotional imprint formed long ago, often before we had words or understanding.
When familiar feels like attraction
As children, we are biologically wired to seek attachment. We adapt to our environment to maintain closeness, belonging and safety.
If you grew up with:
emotionally unavailable or inconsistent caregivers
criticism, shame or high expectations
unpredictable reactions
chronic stress, conflict or instability
having to be “the good one”, “the strong one” or “the invisible one”
… your nervous system may have learned that love and connection mean:
waiting
trying harder
earning approval
constantly reading other people’s moods
walking on eggshells
adapting and holding things together
The CDC refers to these experiences as Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs), which are linked to difficulties in adult relationships and long-term health outcomes.
You may not think of this as trauma – many people don’t. But your body may still have learned: “This is what closeness feels like.”
Why do I keep choosing the wrong partner, even when I know better?
This is one of the most common questions I hear:
“I know this type of person isn’t good for me… so why am I still attracted?”
There are several very human explanations.
A. You’re responding to a feeling, not a person
Attraction may be triggered by:
emotional distance → which activates pursuit
intensity → which creates hope
uncertainty → which sharpens focus
The nervous system interprets this as importance, not danger.
B. You’re unconsciously seeking a different ending to an old wound
If you had to fight to be seen, loved or chosen early in life, (you may not even remember it) you may be drawn to relationships where you feel you need to fight again.
Not because you want to suffer but because part of you wants resolution:
“This time, I’ll be chosen.”
C. Safety can feel unfamiliar (and boring) at first
If stress and unpredictability were normal in earlier relationships, calm and secure people can initially feel “boring” or flat.
That doesn’t mean there’s no connection. It means your system isn’t yet used to safety.
När relationer skapar otrygghet kan ensamhet och stress bli en del av vardagen. Att dras till fel partner eller vänner handlar ofta om gamla mönster - inte om bristande förmåga att välja rätt
Destructive relationships affect the body - not just emotions
Long-term unhealthy relationships often keep the body in a state of chronic stress.
And stress is not just emotional – it’s biological.
Research links this to:
prolonged stress hormone activation → to cardiovascular disease
relational stress → to poorer sleep, reduced immune function, pain and burnout
When a relationship makes you feel small, confused, anxious or constantly tense, your body stays in survival mode.
The body is not designed to live there long-term.
Safe relationships are not a luxury. They are a foundation for physical and emotional wellbeing.
Why the same patterns often appear at work
Relationship patterns rarely stay confined to romantic relationships.
They often show up in professional life as well:
taking on too much responsibility
struggling to say no
managing other people’s emotions
ending up with controlling managers or draining collaborations
losing your voice in meetings or over-adapting
The underlying belief is often:“If I adapt a little more, everything will calm down.”
But real calm usually comes from inner safety - not more self-sacrifice.
Why insight alone isn’t enough to change patterns
You can understand all of this intellectually and still feel drawn to the same kinds of relationships.
That’s because:
insight lives in the conscious mind
attachment and attraction live in the subconscious
the body holds its own emotional memory
This is why many people say: "I’ve worked on myself… so why am I still stuck?”
Change usually requires working at the level where reactions happen automatically - the subconscious nervous system, your programming, where your behaviours and actions are stored and activated. Read more here about your subconsious mind
How hypnotherapy helps break negative relationship patterns
Hypnotherapy is a well-established therapeutic approach used to work with anxiety, stress, pain and behavioural patterns - experiences that involve both mind and body.
It is particularly effective when patterns persist despite insight and effort, because it works with the automatic responses underneath conscious thought.
Hypnotherapy is not magic. It is a structured, evidence-informed way of working with the root of the pattern - not just the symptoms. That's why it is so effective.
The CE Method: change without reliving the past
At CE-Hypnosis, I use the CE Method, designed to help people change relationship patterns without needing to relive or reprocess painful memories in detail.
This approach is especially supportive for those who feel overwhelmed by traditional talk therapy.
We work with:
how the pattern shows up today
how you want to feel and function in future relationships
creating new internal links between safety, attraction and choice
The goal is not to become guarded or emotionally distant. The goal is freedom - to choose relationships that feel calm, clear and supportive. Less conflicts. Relationships that you can enjoy more!
What real change often feels like
Change is not dramatic - but it is noticeable. It often feels more calm, and like letting go of a heavy burden.
Many people describe it as:
calmer
clearer
more grounded
more natural
They often notice that:
familiar “types” lose their pull
red flags appear earlier and is easier to look at and choose to engage or not
boundaries feel easier
drama feels less attractive
safety starts to feel genuinely good
This is a key sign of healing: You begin choosing from inner security rather than old emotional triggers and wounds.
Three steps you can start today
Step 1: Change the question
Instead of asking “Why do I want this person?”, ask:
“How does my body feel when I think about them?”
(Calm, nervous, stressed, fixated, worried?) The body rarely lies.
Step 2: Normalise unfamiliar safety
Safety can feel unfamiliar at first.That doesn’t mean it’s wrong – only that your system is learning something new.
Step 3: Make attraction a choice, not a command
Attraction is a signal, not an order. You can feel it -and still choose what supports your wellbeing.
You can relearn what feels "attractive"
If you’ve been drawn to unhealthy relationships for a long time, it may feel like:
“This is just who I am.”
More often, it’s:“This is what I learned.”
And what’s learned can be relearned.
When people begin forming healthier relationships, they often notice:
improved sleep
more energy
clearer thinking
easier boundaries
greater emotional balance
better physical wellbeing
At some point, a quiet beautiful shift happens:
You stop choosing from old wounds and triggers - and start choosing from inner safety.
Want a change with negative relationships - for real?
If you recognise these patterns and feel ready for something calmer and healthier, hypnotherapy may be a gentle and effective next step.
At CE-Hypnosis, sessions are individually tailored and paced to suit you.You don’t need to know exactly where the pattern began – only that you want something to change.
You’re welcome to book a session or get in touch to learn more.
Frequently Asked Questions.
Why am I attracted to unhealthy relationships?Because attraction is often driven by subconscious patterns formed early in life. The nervous system seeks familiarity, even when it isn’t healthy.
Can attraction patterns really change?Yes. When the subconscious learns new associations with safety and closeness, attraction often shifts naturally.
Do childhood experiences affect adult relationships?Yes. Research shows early attachment patterns influence romantic, family and work relationships in adulthood.
Is insight alone enough to change relationship patterns? Insight helps, but lasting change usually requires working with the subconscious and the body, where automatic reactions are formed.
Do I need to relive painful memories in hypnotherapy? No. With the CE Method, change can occur without reliving distressing experiences.
Do these patterns affect work life as well? Yes. The same patterns often show up in leadership, collaboration, conflict and boundary-setting.
How do I know if hypnotherapy is right for me?
If you want to get out of your old habits, patterns and destructive relationships, this could be the next step to really make a difference to make your future less conflict and more positive.
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